It’s been a year since I began coparenting with anxiety. I write that off as a joke but in truth, that’s how it feels for me to battle anxiety alongside motherhood. In whole, parenting is freaking hard. I mean, you’re responsible for keeping tiny humans alive and if that isn’t stress inducing in itself then I don’t know what is- But it’s also so much more than that; It’s amazing and wonderful and my kids are my life, they are my world. How could that possibly make one feel anxiety?
When I compare having Anxiety Disorder to coparenting with it, it’s more in terms of two perspectives; mine, and my anxiety’s. We simply want different things. Anxiety isn’t abstract, it doesn’t have a form but it’s always there with me. It consumes my mind…if I let it. So many moments go by that I am talking myself down from something that from the outside doesn’t even need it. It’s finding the strength to go to the pool when you want to play with your kids but your anxiety wants you to hide. Its finding the strength to move your legs when in your whole being, you know you want to walk to the park but your anxiety says:
“let’s make this miserable and watch you squirm to hide it from the world”
For me, it’s finding the strength from what’s around me because some days it’s hard to find it inside. Most of the time the strength comes from my kids. I see them and know there is so much more to our days then passing time waiting for my hands to stop sweating and my mind to stop racing. For many months all I could ask myself was ‘why?’. Why me? Why now? What’s wrong with me? This isn’t something that just happened one day, it’s something to some degree I have had my whole life but it wasn’t until last Spring that it became worse. All of a sudden I couldn’t talk, I could barely walk, my hands curled and my body stopped. Time was lost. I fought it with everything I could and it took over a month for the medicine to start working. It wasn’t easy. I had to fight to hear what my daughter said to me because me ears rang. We took at least two walks a day to focus on something beautiful because my eyes stayed in a tunnel. I cried. A lot.
I broke and I couldn’t even fix it. My body wasn’t mine anymore, it was controlled by Anxiety and there was nothing I could do to change that. Things I enjoyed shifted and I am still trying to learn who this person is. Days take longer to enjoy, but it happens. I refuse to let this keep me from enjoying my children. Just because Anxiety doesn’t want to do something, doesn’t mean Alexis doesn’t and that’s what I’m still trying to get used to, even a year later.
I have learned to tell myself I’m okay. That doesn’t make the feelings go away but if the better part of me knows I’m okay, that’s half a start. It’s a debilitating Disorder and it doesn’t feel good. The bodily shaking, the chest pain and heart pounding, the out of body feeling like you’re watching from afar, the moment your anxiety laughs and you can’t swallow (even though you can). To this day I don’t know when it will happen or what sparks it and I’m told time and time again that there isn’t necessarily a trigger which is what differentiates nerves from an Anxiety Disorder. I wish I knew. I wish I could make plans without dreading them. I wish when my kids asked me to go to the park it didn’t take an hour to build up the courage to do it. I wish it was easier. I wish I could just stop this forever.
The hardest part of accepting my new place in life is knowing that it wasn’t always like this. Days were as simple as getting ready and starting whatever that day brought and when I think about that, that is when the tears start because now it feels like I took that time for granted. Having a pity party won’t get my normalcy back though, it won’t make me feel better in my new skin and it won’t make anxiety finally divorce me.
Acceptance is the hardest part and I’m still in denial but I know in a matter of time, things will adjust as they should.
Days will become vibrant and I’ll find a balance with my Anxiety Disorder so together, we can parent in unity.
The Mountain Buggy Nano V2 began our venture into lightweight, compact strollers. I have always preferred larger strollers over umbrella strollers so when we had the chance to review a lightweight, compact folding stroller I was all over it. The Mountain Buggy Nano V2 is the second Nano version has a lot of great features and accessory options!
The seat is suitable from birth (with the newborn cocoon) to a whopping 44lbs! To give a little visual, Jensen is almost 4yo and can fit perfect in the seat with room to go. It is so pleasantly surprising how much room the Mountain Buggy Nano actually carries for something so light and compact. There are three sizing positions for the 5 Point harness on the seat of the Nano and I have to say, this isn’t my most favorite feature design wise.
It is no hidden secret that we are absolutely obsessed with sleep sacks over here at Little Gummi and the obsession further continues with ergoPouch. This Australian based and founded brand began it’s story much like we begin our sleep routines (er, lack their of); A tired mom, looking for a solution. Ergopouch is an award winning brand designed to help not just your Little, but your entire family sleep better. It’s all connected, right? I know if my Little doesn’t sleep, no one does- all the way down to our pets.
We love that ergoPouch is designed for babes of all ages. The sleep sack can be used as a swaddle but snapping the arms holes or your Little can move freely about by popping their arms through the designated holes! Another great feature are the sacks that transition from sack to suit. With a simple adjustment of the zippers, you can create little pant legs which is especially convenient when you have a walker. We usually settle down for bed about 45 minutes before we actually hit the bed and I love being able to put our ergoPouch on our kiddos and have a little sleep suit for them to get their last minute antics out in. Afterwards, we transfer the zippers and create the sleep sack for their night time needs.
Another amazing aspect of ergoPouch is the ability to oh so easily change a nappy! The zipper creates an amplified experience for those dreaded night time changes and it truly just makes parenting all around easier.
Ergopouch comes in multiple variations depending on age, size, weather and season. The sleep sack is equipped with a room thermometer that changes depending on temperature and I have found this to be extremely helpful when determining how to use ours.
I can fully trust that ergoPouch is going to keep my babes warm and safe throughout the night, all the while helping me sleep comfortable knowing they are comfortable as well! It is definitely a must-have product for every new or seasoned parent, and you can get yours via the shop link below!
Gearing up for our thanksgiving feast with Bread and Butter Pinot Noir now available at Kroger! Run, don’t walk!!