1. Can you please nurse in the bathroom? Oh, I’m sorry, do you eat in the bathroom???!
2. Can you please cover up? Sure! Let me put a blanket/cloth/full blown hazmat suit on while I nurse so when my child rips it off his face because he doesn’t like eating.in.the.dark I can go ahead and expose everything instead of an inch of cleavage that you’d see any other woman expose in normal, every day life. Did I offend you!?
3. Do you plan on pumping? Will the answer to this impact your life whatsoever?
4. Do you plan to bottle feed or supplement? See above.
5. How long do you plan on nursing? Until my child gets their teeth in and bites me with what actually feels like fangs.
6. You really should use your breast as a pacifier instead of an actual pacifier- it might effect latching! Okay!! So, YOU come hold my child so I can: shower, clean, cook, sleep, bathroom alone and not turn into a grizzly during witching hour.
7. My (insert anyone but the one speaking, to whom they wrongfully sourced their info) said that if you want any sleep during the night you should really consider bottle feeding otherwise, you won’t be healthy, alive, a person and basically a zombie. Maybe I am a Zombie! But I like being one and how I perform as the living dead should not affect you and your inexperienced opinions of my choices. No sleep? More coffee! || I did have someone tell me this recently, I went in for a blood patch after birthing my newborn and whatever title this maiden had in relation to the Doctor took it upon herself, based off her sisters experiences to suggest I not nurse because my NEWBORN eats every 2hours. Now he’s 3wks old and feeds less during the night as per his own rhythm. After my death glare she got the point and silenced.
8. You should be eating more! Okay, so maybe not as bad but still equally annoying when a stranger comments on this. Want to see my logs on MyFitness Pal?
9. Oh, you drank a beer? Oh, I pumped and dumped?
10. To follow my last two you should really stay away from ‘gassy’ foods. Well, my child came out literally farting so my one teaspoon of siracha should be okay.
11. Bonus!! Oh my god, that’s too much. Okay I get it, you’re ignorant to what breast were intended for (specifically in a day when formula didn’t exists) but comments aren’t needed so judge-y teen at Mcallisters Deli, take your fruit cup and sour ‘tude and keep on walking.